OK so now they are openly calling it a recession. Some are even tossing around the "d-word", and with good reason. Even the "Sunshine Kid" (AKA Obama) is saying we're in for a rough couple of years. People are losing their jobs at a rate of something like 660,000 per month*, GM is posting another 9 billion dollar loss last quarter, and Canadian universities and colleges are raising tuitions by 25%. Yeah, you read that right. Canadian post-secondary institutions are in serious trouble - enrollment is way down. So the obvious thing to do when nobody can afford to go to school is to raise tuition. It's freaking brilliant!

 

But the part that really kills me is the last line of that article:

 

 

Really? Which Canadians are these? Because the last time I checked, everyone is tightening their belts these days. But even if it were true, do you think this will attract more or less students? It's the same sound logic that governments around the world are using when they say "Hey, people are losing their homes and our tax revenues are down Let's raise taxes!"

 

And speaking of politicians who are bereft of logic, it looks like Toronto Mayor David Miller is trying to grab our guns again. Forget the fact that handguns have been restricted in Canada since the 1930's. Forget the fact that even the federal government's official statistics state that despite the draconian laws to the contrary, there are still over 500,000 handguns in Canada. forget the fact that criminals are by definition unlikely to follow the law in this matter. Forget the fact that Miller lacks the authority to supercede existing federal law in this matter. He's pressing forward with a "total handgun ban" in Toronto.

 

 

I know it's a novel idea, but how about you give it a rest with this crusade against law-abiding firearms owners and...CATCH SOME FUCKING CRIMINALS.

 

 

It's not bad enough that these people were tricked into homes they could never afford, with terms that were intentionally predatory. It's not enough that the economy turns these peoples' mortgages upside down and puts them on the streets. It's not enough that the depression has killed these peoples' jobs precisely when they need them the most. No, not enough by a long shot.

 

In something that might as well be right out of an episode of "Wild Kingdom", the predators have already had thier fill of these cattle. And now come the scavengers - economic vultures are coming in to pick the bones.

 

It seems that these people who have lost their homes to predatory mortgage brokers, and lost their jobs to a destroyed economy have not yet paid enough. Let's give them special bank service charges!

 

 

 

 

Really? Nickle-and-diming these people with your left hand, while taking trillions of dollars in federal bailout money with the right? Have you no shame?

Some of my friends have been asking recently: "Hey, Twister..." (Yeah, my friends are a bunch of slackers who can't spare a third syllable. You know who you are!) They say "Hey, Twister...I've been wondering how I can cash in on all of this cool piracy fad, but I don't want to have to poke out my own eye, and I'm allergic to parrot feathers. Where should I start?"

 

Well have no fear, my friends. It just so happens that I have just finished my difinitive work on the subject!

 

 

Personally, I predict it will spend 32 weeks on the best seller list. Of course, I might be just a little biased. I've been told I'm...a little full of myself. But I digress.

 

Now, my publisher is going to absolutely furious about what I am about to do, but like a fart, my ideas cannot be contained. And I do so love to share them for free, whether people want them or not! Here's an excerpt:

 

 

 

 

Of course, I go into greater detail in the book. Important information like exactly what kinds of rum make your voice sound most like you've had a tracheotomy, and the best shovels for burying your gold dubloons are covered, as well as a complete "pirate to English" dictionary are included.

 

So hurry out to your local bookstore now, while supplies last! This is sure to be the growth industry of the next decade. You don't want to be the only one on your block who doesn't know the words to "Fifteen Men On a Dead Man's Chest", do you?

 

"The judges said no other solution will improve conditions so poor that inmates die regularly of suicides or lack of proper care.

The panel said it wanted the state to present a plan to trim the population in two to three years.

"There are simply too many prisoners for the existing capacity," they wrote. "Evidence offered at trial was overwhelmingly to the effect that overcrowding is the primary cause of the unconstitutional conditions that have been found to exist in the California prisons."

The three judges suggested a target prison population of between 100,800 and 121,000 inmates — down from the current level of about 158,000. More inmates live in conservation camps, community correctional facilities and private prisons in other states.

The proposed targets would require the state to reduce the prison population by between 36,200 and 57,000 inmates. Attorneys representing inmates had sought a reduction of about 52,000 inmates."

Talk about your crazy coincidences! Just as the state of California has become so broke that it has to pay it's income tax refunds in I.O.U.'s, they suddenly develop this deep concern about the welfare of 57,000 pot heads and panhandlers.

Of course, sooner or later they are going to have to do something about the violent offenders too. Afterall, they don't suddenly require less food just because they killed someone. So in the time-honoured tradition of all dying empires, they will simply press these hardened felons into military service. They probably won't be chained together and put on the front lines, of course. No, they will probably be sent on suicide missions (which they of course won't know are suicide missions). They will probably think they are going to be some kind of real-life XXX, hot babes, big guns and cool fur jackets and stuff, running around killing generic middle eastern looking guys.

 

And that is certainly how the PR campaign will play out back home. "Honestly, we're not executing them! We're giving them a chance to serve the country they have been feeding off of for years! They CHOOSE to go!"